


I have a self-hatred thing going on

by warriorfelix



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, for school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 23:17:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorfelix/pseuds/warriorfelix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this stuff for a class assignment. The first bit is a companion piece to this (www.youtube.com/watch?v=HF28-zr1das) fan video I made. The video makes a lot more sense with the companion piece, and vice versa. they were made to be viewed together.<br/>The second part which is a whole lot longer is some rpg-inpired questions I filled out as Ryan in this little AU i've got in my head.</p><p>Sorry if the word count is super misleading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I have a self-hatred thing going on

_I have a sort of self-hatred problem. I hate myself, I think.  Can’t quite figure it out._  
_Because I have friends, because I feel love, and I hate that._  
 _All my life I’ve trained myself to have no controllable weakness and all of a sudden I met these guys, this crew, and Ray…_  
  
_I love it. But I hate it. What a way to live._

_When I didn’t know the crew, I once shot Geoff and left him for dead for a stupidly small amount of money. I have nightmares about that a lot. No one brings it up but I’ve seen the scars he took away from it._

_I’m so desperately afraid of losing my humanity now that they’ve given me some. In my dreams, they’re all dead and I don’t care. In my dreams, Ray doesn’t care about me anymore, it’s like he never even knew me. His beautiful face doesn’t even register mine and I don’t care, but when I wake up it’s like I’ve been stabbed a thousand times._

_Or sometimes, they betray me. They betray me before I can betray them, even though I never had any plan to. Like they have this natural distrust towards me._

_I want this to work. Despite fighting within myself because, let’s be honest, I’m an idiot for joining this crew, I would still defend every single one of these assholes with my life. I just worry they wouldn’t do the same for me._

_Dear Ray,_  
  
Don’t worry about me. Just stay.  
If I lose you, I lose my humanity too.

_-Vagabond_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Introduction Questions**

  1. Give a two or three word description of yourself. (Describe your concept.)



On a murder break.

  1. Do you have any nicknames, street names, titles, nom de plume?



Ryan Haywood, The Mad King, Wack Job, Psycho, BMVagabond (or just Vagabond)

  1. What is your full birth name?



James Ryan Haywood

  1. Where do you live?



San Andreas, moving in between safe houses, all usually large apartment complexes with the rest of the Fake AH Crew, owned by Geoff Ramsey (Boss)

  1. Why do you live there?



It’s safer to live with 5 other experienced criminals that by myself.

  1. What is your citizenship status?



In the state legally, but under an alias.

  1. What is your most obvious blessing or strength?



No mercy, no hesitation when a job needs to get done.

  1. What do you perceive as your greatest strength?



My drive to succeed, no matter what or who gets in my way.

  1. What is your most obvious flaw or weakness?



Psychopathic tendencies can get in the way of forming stable, healthy relationships with other people.

  1. What do you perceive as your greatest weakness?



Being in love.

  1. Was there any event or cause of these weaknesses?



That stupid asshole, Ray.

**Physical Traits**

  1. How old are you?



35

  1. What is your gender?



Male

  1. What is your species/race?



Human, Georgian American

  1. How tall are you?



182cm

  1. How much do you weigh?



80kg

  1. What is your general body type, frame, bone structure, and poise?



Top heavy, always a little bit slouched over. Muscly but not built.

  1. What is your skin colour?



White

  1. What is your hair colour?



Golden Brown

  1. What is your hair style?



When it’s short, moppy and parted to the side. Pretty standard boring stuff. When it’s longer, its wavy and I keep it in a low ponytail.

  1. Do you have any facial hair?



Just all over stubble. I try to keep it neat.

  1. What is your eye colour?



 

  1. Does it change?



I’ve been told they go sort of a darkish grey/green when my adrenalines pumping.

  1. How attractive are you?



I’ve been told I’m a looker, but I don’t see what the big deal is.

  1. What is your most distinguishing feature?



My sharp jawline.

  1. Do you have any scars, tattoos, or birthmarks?



No tattoos or birthmarks, but more than a few scars.

  1. If so, how did you acquire them?



Bullet grazes and getting stuck occasionally. I try not to get caught anymore.

  1. What do these distinguishing marks look like?



Like I’ve done a terrible job at trying to end my own life.

  1. Do they have any special significance?



Coming close to death on a regular basis could be considered significant to some, but they’re just boring now.

  1. Where are they located?



Chest and upper arms mostly. I have a deep cut mark just next my neck.

  1. What is your handedness (left/right)?



Right handed.

  1. Do you resemble some currently known person?



I wouldn’t say so.

  1. What is your hand size/description?



Chunky but not fat. Generally large in size, and dexterous.

  1. Do you wear a uniform?



Not really.

 

  1. What kind of clothing do you wear?



Simple jacket and jeans, I try to keep it simple and practical.

  1. What is your clothing's style or level of sophistication?



I’d spend more money on clothing if I could be bothered. I just replace ripped shirts or anything with blood stains.

  1. What size are you for various pieces of clothing?



Pretty average for jeans, just gotta wear a belt because I’m tall but not huge round. Shirts are usually tight fitting, but that’s for Ray. He likes seeing my “abs”.

  1. Do you wear makeup?



It’s not make up, it’s face paint thank you very much.

  1. Do you wear glasses/contacts?



Contacts mostly, but it’s just for reading.

  1. What sort of vocal tone do you have?



Deep and kind of gravely. Nasally, with lots of slurred words.

  1. Do you get sick?



Almost never. Can’t afford to be sick.

  1. Maybe you catch the flu twice a year and that's it?



 Not even.

**History**

  1. Are your real reason for becoming an adventurer different from what you tell others?



I suppose I’m a vagabond naturally. I tell people the lifestyle just suited me better, I guess I just don’t go too in depth. Back stories are pointless.

  1. If so, how might such secrets be revealed?



I’m not faithful to many people. Gain my trust, I guess?

  1. How far would you go to keep such secrets from being revealed? What would you do if the truth became known?



I’m not _trying_ to hide anything, it’s just weird. Me of all people getting all whimsical and shit, and to be honest I like to keep my walls up for the most part.

  1. What do you fear would occur if the truth became known?



I’d lose my intimidating nature; people would be able to get to me more if they wanted. Not that I’m the “People have hurt me, I’m going to be all emo and close myself off forever” kinda guy, it’s just more of an inconvenience in my particular line of work.

  1. Do you have any particularly high or low ability scores?



People see me as a Jack of all trades, I guess. I work well in high pressure situations due to the whole psychotic tendencies thing so I’ll be a better driver if the cops are on our tail, I’ll be a better shot if the target is about to get away, that kind of thing.

  1. If so, were these scores a result of you past?



I’ve never focused on anything in particular, so I guess so?

  1. How have these scores affected your life so far?



In social situations more than anything, yeah. Like I said, the psycho thing means I don’t really bond well with other people usually.

  1. Did you affect you in your chosen profession?



The profession isn’t as much about making personal connections as it is just getting the job done and other people seeing that. I didn’t talk my way up the ladder, I murdered my way up it. But the Fake AH Crew is almost more of a step down to where I could be. But it’s been my first experience in adult life making any sort of friends so I don’t mind as much.

  1. Were there any traumatic experiences in your early years (death of a family member, abandonment, orphaned at an early age, etc.)? I didn’t know my parents very much despite being raised by them, I was always just sort of floating about in their way. I left as soon as I could because they were scared of me. Said I had a weird demeanour. They ended up getting murdered by a rival gang to try to get to me, but it was obviously useless. Sad waste of life.
  2. Briefly describe a defining moment in your childhood and how it influenced your life.



I remember getting told by a teacher once that I was falling through the cracks in the education system when I was in Elementary. She said my strange learning styles and the lack of help for “kids like me” was frustrating. She said she didn’t want me to disappear. I’ve been afraid of “disappearing” ever since. I don’t even know what she really meant by that, or what it meant for me.

  1. What was childhood like for you?



 

Bland. Boring. It floated by.

  1. Was it calm and peaceful or turbulent and traumatic?



Neither. I never had to recover from anything really. But it was particularly satisfying or anything.

  1. Do you have any deep, dark secrets in the past that may come back to haunt you?



I own a cow. No one knows. His name is Edgar.

  1. What conflicts might arise from your past?



I once shot Geoff point blank and left him for dead for a considerably small amount of money. He hasn’t really talked about it since. He didn’t die or anything. It’s not a secret, everyone knows but no one brings it up. I don’t know why.

  1. Are you who you claim to be?



I don’t “claim” to be anyone. I wear a scary skull mask and kill people for a living. People assume from there.

  1. Do you have any sort of criminal record?



**Relationships**

  1. Do you have any close friends?



All the AH guys are my friends I guess, but I’m in with the Gent’s mostly.

  1. If so, who and what are they like?



The Gents consist of myself, Geoff and Jack. The Lads are Gavin, Michael and Ray.

The Gent’s are us older guys who run business and get stuff done. It’s not that we don’t have fun, we’re just more responsible about it typically.

Geoff is the Boss. He’s usually pretty cool about everything because he’s drunk all the time, but he knows how to make a good plan. He has a moustache that makes him look like a Communist which is maybe why he’s such a great leader.

Jack is our pilot guy. He can land a plane with a cargobomb attached on the side of a hill. He’s very rarely negative about anything and gives good general advice.

Although they’re not a couple necessarily, we all sort of consider Geoff and Jack to be the mother and father of the group, with their levels of communication and leading together, and all the petty bickering.

Michael is our main Driver. He knows how to get the job done, but he’s a bit hot-headed and tends to snap easily in pressured situations. He giggles like a girl.

Gavin is… a wild card. He’s a vital part of the team, but I can never put my finger on how or why. He’s always the first to get injured and he’s an absolute idiot, but he’s part of the team. He and Michael are tight.

And there’s Ray, the best shot of the group and my… person. Partner. Lover. I don’t know. He’s dumb and I like him a lot. He’s smokes a lot of pot and he’s not a cuddler. He’s also Puerto Rican and he likes to guilt trip people with the race card a lot even though he’s super Caucasian looking.

  1. What is the history of their relationship(s) with you?



I got into the Fake AH Crew because they needed an extra gunman for a job and the pay was supposed to be good. I’d get in, I’d get out with cash in hand. Onto the next town, the next job. And for some reason, I decided to stay. They were fun, they were nice, they didn’t see me as just another hand. They don’t see crews and gangs like that. When you’re trusting other people with your lives and your livelihood, they become your family. So I hung around.

  1. Do you currently have a best friend whom you would protect with your reputation or your life?



Ray, easily.

  1. If so, who are they and what caused you to feel so close to them? What would have to happen for you to end this relationship?



He’d have to kill me for us to end. He just… I don’t know. He treated me as less of a forced friend and more of just a dude, and I never had that before. And he’s sort of pretty too.

**Miscellaneous**

  1. What would you like to be remembered for after your death?



As a trustworthy person, maybe. I know I’ve not been loyal before, but the Fake AH Crew sort of changed me.

  1. What kind of threat do you present to public?



A great one if you get in my way.

  1. If your features were to be destroyed beyond recognition, is there any other way of identifying your body?



My black skull mask, maybe.

My photo of Edgar in my wallet.


End file.
